2020

2020. What a year it has been, right? I have always been a person who does not make a big deal about the New Year. I do not put up “New Year, New Me” captions because for me it has always been another year or just another day. That is how I look at it. I still do, by the way. However, this particular year changed me a lot. Never thought that was possible but who knew a pandemic supposed to take place for that to happen, for us to learn and realized things. Strange, isn’t it? That is what happened to me and I thought of sharing 25 (supposed to be 20 because of 2020 but I ended up writing 25 things (yes, the struggle is real)) things I have learned during this whirlwind of a year. So, let’s go!

1. I have always been a person who loves going out a lot but this year, I actually enjoyed staying at home more, chilling and doing absolutely nothing. Also, just the thought of going out now makes me feel tired. Is this what it feels like to grow old?

2. I hated wearing a mask in the beginning but I have grown to love it. I can’t live without it. Literally (Saw what I did there? Okay, never mind).

3. Took care of my skin and I love how my skin feels. Bare face over makeup anytime. Less is more. Also, lip balm has been my lip’s new best friend.

4. Somewhere in this chaos, I graduated!

5. I hated getting in touch with my feelings. I prefer running away from it but this year forced me to get in touch with it and I realized that it is okay if you feel like you are too much sometimes, or how sensitive you can actually get because and I can’t believe I’m saying this, feeling things are better than not feeling anything. It has also allowed me to be more open and real with myself and the people around me.

6. I finally allowed myself to accept and let go of my dad. It was hard but I had to, for myself.

7. My mental health got worse this year. I have anxiety but I never thought it would get even worse like how it did this year. I am accepting that I may also have depression and after a very long time where I genuinely thought I got over it, I ended up hurting myself. I was in a very dark place and for quite some time, I wanted to just stay there and let it gradually consume me and that is what I did. I am my worst enemy but I also am my greatest strength because eventually, I got out of it. It may come back but I learned that if I can go through all of those things I have gone through, I can go through this too. One day at a time. Take a break, allow yourself to go through it and it is okay if you are not able to get things done. Comedy shows and standups helped me a lot during this time so figure out what helps for you, even if it is for a short period of time and do just that. Also, if you are ready (because I am not), do get help from a professional. Your mental health matters.

8. I made a connection with a stranger this year. I have been terrific in ghosting (not something I should be proud of) people, but I decided to allow this one person in. I opened up to this person very quickly actually which surprised me but it happened because this person made me feel very comfortable. Silence with this person was comfortable too and let me point out how important that is in any kind of relationship. This person also made me attached to him in a short period of time. Heck, everything happened so fast but so unexpected. I thought after my last relationship, all those feelings were dead in me, but it wasn’t and just knowing that feels good. Sadly, this did not last, which brings me to my next point.

9. Yes, people do leave and sometimes it’s for the best. Honestly, I was sad when things changed but over time I learned that it is for the best. Also, if this did not happen, I would have not come to term that I actually want a real relationship. I was okay with temporary things before but not anymore. I’m getting old for this shit. Hey, everything happens for a reason, right? We may not know what the reason is but trust the reason because oftentimes, it’s actually good for us. Plus, life is nothing but a learning experience.

10. Honestly, I’m not a person who cares so much about my age but I have to admit that growing old is a little scary. I know 25 is not old but it feels like that. It feels like time is going by so fast and you have not done anything meaningful in your life but sometimes, you just need to remind yourself to calm the fuck down and wherever you are now is an achievement itself. Life is too short to worry about it so instead, embrace growing old and do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you are happy because that is the only thing that matter in the end. Also, I could not deal with a lot of things and people anymore. Another sign of growing old maybe?

11. Drinking (alcohol) at home is much nicer. If you want to have a drink or 10 drinks (who’s counting anyway) with me, come over.

12. 2020 is also the year I have lost 3 people in my life. I lost both of my grandmothers early this year and I lost my dog, Shadow. It was heartbreaking and I can’t deal with deaths anymore but it is not something anyone has control over so the only thing we can do is spend more time with people we love because life is too short and you may never know when will be the last you will be seeing them.

13. No one can be trusted. No one, but you!

14. NEVER compromise your self-worth for ANYONE. It is not worth it. Trust me.

15. Always trust your vibe because energy never lies and leave toxic things and people behind. Earlier this year, I had to let go ‘friends’ who were toxic and fake. It was sad but you do meet people like this everywhere you go so if the vibe is not right, just walk away because you DO NOT need people like that in your life. I have put up with people like this and I am not going to anymore.

16. God will NEVER let you down, even if you are struggling.

17. Something scary happened to me this year and I personally felt what it was like to not feel safe around men. I got harassed by two different drunk, Indian men for a few times. I was not the only one though. Now, when I see other similar men like them, I get scared and all I’m thinking at that time is to get out of there. Men, all we want as women to feel safe by you but instead, you instilled this fear in us. You traumatized us. You objectify us. We can’t go anywhere or do anything peacefully because of you. You do not know how it feels like because you are not a woman. You also make me feel like maybe I should carry something with me to protect myself from you. We do not feel safe living among you when we should be.

18. Low-key enjoyed going to places and doing things alone.

19. Started reading again.

20. Always choose to be kind. Trust me, sometimes it’s hard to do that because people don’t deserve it but I learned being kind and nice (like my mum) helps you to sleep a little better at night but do it genuinely though or else there is no point. Do not be a shitty human being.

21. Be honest. Always speak the truth even if it is hard.

22. Gained weight this year and it is okay though because even if it is difficult for me, I learned to love the way I am. Every fat of mine is as beautiful as it is.

23. Education, career, marriage, kids are different for a lot of people. You will obviously achieve whatever you want but do it in your own pace.

24. This year made me appreciate the people in my life even more and I’m also very grateful for the life I have because not all of us are as fortunate. Always remember that.

25. Everything will be okay. Always have hope even if hope seems far away. That is the key to my survival and that is what keeps me going.